I got blank. I dont know how or where to start, neither to end it. Fikiran aku celaru sangat-sangat. I cant take the pressure.
Hidup aku tak pernah tak bermasalah. Sometimes, I just want to feel a little of happiness by putting all the problems away. Let it all alone, I know at the end of the day I will get back to it. Dragging someone into it is not in the plan, it may cause another problems that I am not ready to take. I will end this someday.
I dont know if this could change anything and get me back from the start. Or at least i will have a chance to continue a living that I am currently doing. I lose hope.
The Dear Diary, Beautè chose to leave. I didnt say anything except begging her to stay. But I am not forcing anyway. I know it is very hard. I even have been here, many times. Sounds simple but not easy.
It was me hiding something, it was me hiding my problems. Just because I chose to put it aside and work my ass out to solve everything. But thing goes wrong, it was a bad idea too.
Diluah mati bapak, ditelan mati emak.
The point is I want to change my entire life. I wasnt born rich, I was raised in poor minded family that will bring me to nowhere. Sudahlah lemah agama. But not gonna talk about it.
Since I was very young, sejak kecil aku mula belajar berfikir bagaimana cara aku nak ubah kehidupan. Dari mencuri, menipu, scam orang, banyak aku dah buat. But it wont last long, you know why.
I knew it was wrong, then I learned to do right things, slowly. Perlahan-lahan aku belajar berniaga untuk survive. I didnt get full support dari family, sejak sekolah. Semua serba tak cukup. I dont want to stay poor, I dont want it happen to my kids. I dont want them to be feed with 3rd class minded parents.
2012, I wasnt afford to finish my study. I have to work on something to keep on living. Didnt attend the class because I got to work or sleep if I got to work at night. Scammed the college and a report was lodged. I got to quit and pay every loses (few thousands) or else I got to go to somewhere I never wanted to be.
I was really upset. Family aku tak kata apa pun, semua silent.
I have nothing where do I start?
Again, they keep pushing me to further my study and will give support. But I know I will do it myself later.
It was true, I got to work myself. I cant afford anything. Got to pay high loan installment for the bike (have to). Got to rent house, pay this and that. I was broke (and still). Of course, I got nobody to lay back.
I did several businesses but none was survived. Until one day, I started to look forward in property with no money in hand. Not even have some to feed myself. I was gambling, I did everything alone, with some help sometimes.
Everything was wonderful. I was 'rich' most of the times at first. Lepas tu jadi makin teruk pulak, there was a time I cant handle things. I got to pay bills, I got to pay owners, I got to refund some amount of money. Business was sick and worsening.
I keep losing.
I didnt create wealth. Yet I keep losing.
I cant take the pressure.
There is more to this story.
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