2 years, and aku datang balik hari ni. Kau tahu kenapa kan the dear diary? Of course la pasal aku ada masalah besar. Waktu-waktu macam ni lah baru nak ingat tuhan, nak ingat itu, nak ingat ini. Down to earth...if not. Semua lupa.
It is 1st May 2020, day 44th of MCO (Movement Control Order) / PKP (Perintah Kawalan Pergerakan) since 18th March 2020 and it is day 7th of Ramadhan. Chaos!
Sekarang tengah berlaku pandemic Covid-19 worldwide. Too many death, everywhere. At least not here. So that is why gov laksanakan PKP. And most people if not all can't go to work, termasuk aku lah. Tak ada source of income, aku lost banyak. Tapi kena make sure ada nasi atas pinggan, bills to pay. Everything.
Banyak benda berlaku. Cina-classmate pun dah start bekerja dengan aku. Risky. Itu perkara paling aku nak elak. But somehow, aku yakin kitorang boleh buat. Cuma aku tak yakin aku boleh hadap waktu susah ni sama-sama. Yelah, dia dah kahwin. Aku kesian jugak kalau dia terkena tempias kesusahan aku. The hardest part is to maintain professionalism. Kawan dengan kerja.
1st month PKP aku dah terasa. Aku tak cukup duit nak bayar gaji semua orang. Aku usaha jugak cari duit. Then Cina-Classmate kata tak apa, tak payah bayar gaji dia. Mana aku tak sedih, dia kan baru berhenti kerja kat tempat lain tapi gaji dia sampai sekarang tak dibayar. Aku tahu dia pun serba salah kalau nak minta gaji kat aku pun. Terikat atas sebab kawan kan? Aku lagilah serba salah.
Deep down aku cuba berusaha lebih baik lagi. We'll see how it goes...
As of now mental aku pun tak berapa nak stable. During this trying time of course la aku perlukan someone untuk aku bersandar kan? Who else?
Someone yang paling penting pada aku, tapi dia tak ada. Ada, tapi macam tak ada. 44 days of PKP, means no one can simply go out and too much free time at home. Tapi susah sangat aku nak spend masa bercakap. Ada lah bercakap once in awhile. At first aku takdelah kisah sangat kalau jarang bercakap pun, I dont really mind la kot if that is her choice. Cuma aku tak suka once contact tu the first thing to come up, cerita pasal PUBG. Takde ke tanya "Awak sihat hari ni?" "How was your day". Nope. Most of the time sembang pasal PUBG. At least...ceritalah about her condition, my condition. To chech that we are okay.
Aku cuba-cuba juga nak mengadu, even aku dah tahu jawapan dia "Awak ni macam perempuanlah".
Really? I just want to talk. And I just want to be loved. To be listened. Sebab tu aku mengadu. Kalau aku nak jadi lelaki yang tak kisah, aku cari je lah kawan lain kan? Habis tu aku nak sembang dengan siapa? Especially during this hard time. Itu je orang yang aku percaya. Tapi...itu lah.
Most of the answers are predictable. Nak spend quality time dengan family. Out of 24hours, for 44days! That is ridiculous.
Lepas tu aku berkira-kira. Okaylah, just go spend the whole time with the family without spare me some times. Ah that is okay. Sounds fine to me. As I am writing this, ada jugaklah aku bercakap to someone else.
I know she may read this sooner or later and I am just being honest. Kan aku dah bagitau yang aku akan cerita semua benda kat dalam ni. There is nothing to be hidden kan? It is alright. She's gonna find it some day. Lepas kahwin ke (to throw back a little or when shes missing me?", itu pun kalau kahwin.
Well, honestly aku dah start berbelah bagi. For less than a year macam tu. Lepas dah keluar perangai semua tu kan...
Am I getting married to someone that I want but I dont like?
Snap!
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